On Trinity Sunday in 2017, I sat in the shade in my backyard with a pen and a notebook, and I wrote a letter to God.
"I'm ready," I wrote. "When will You be?"—meaning I'm ready to be a wife. When will You be ready to let me?
Spoiler alert: I wasn't ready. I'm still not sure anybody ever really is (and I say that as a now-married woman). But as I'm certain you have observed, some people who are single and mingling are more ready than others to become spouses.
These are the people who've admitted it's possible that they have blind spots, and they're OK with it if a significant other points one out. They can take feedback. People who are more ready for marriage than others can set and stick to boundaries, which tells you that when they get married, they'll be good at "leaving and cleaving" (see Genesis 2:24).
They have honorable intentions, reasonable expectations, and sensible principles. And, because they are growing, how they relate to others—their way of loving—is probably more mature now than it once used to be. Is yours? If so, there are some unmistakable marks of mature love that anybody you date or marry will appreciate.
The three signs that your love is maturing...
1. You're open to INCONVENIENCE.
I heard a story once about a guy whose girlfriend called him with car trouble. She was stranded, and he hesitated. Helping her would require him to pause what he was doing and pivot, and that seemed like a lot of work. I wonder if he would have done it if his love had been more mature. Maybe then, he would have realized: This person is worth the work! With a serious love, the thought of being inconvenienced doesn't exasperate you. In fact, what you once viewed as inconvenient might look more to you like opportunities—to serve, surprise, or support your significant other at least without complaint if not with generosity.
When your girlfriend doesn't feel well, you don't roll your eyes when she asks if you'll drop chicken broth and saltines on her doorstep. You help her out because she's worth it. If your boyfriend's car is in the shop, you don't pout about it when he asks for a ride. You help him out because he's worth it, too. When we have a serious love, we accept the ways we have to exert ourselves when sometimes we'd rather not because we accept that love is inconvenient.
2. You endure INTERRUPTION.
Another mark of maturing love is a willingness to be interrupted. And that doesn't mean in conversation. (I would never encourage that. Rude!) It means you aren't just interested in squeezing a significant other into your free time. When what you're looking for is somebody to fill the gaps in your schedule without interrupting anything you had going on before you met, dating isn't as much a search for a spouse as it is a hobby. It's your world, in that case, and your date is just living in it. But that isn't how quality marriages start.
When your love is more serious, you accept that adding a significant other to your life is supposed to change your world. In fact, it may totally disrupt life as you knew it. And if you've got a mature love, your heart is actually open to that. Since you desire to build a life with this person, his or her needs and desires are important enough to you to change your priorities, your schedule, and your habits. You'd rather make space for new, shared experiences than keep reliving the experiences you had before your paths crossed.
When we have a serious love, we accept the disruptions that come along with a committed relationship because we understand that relationships are supposed to be disruptive.
3. You accept INFLUENCE.
When your love is maturing, it isn't your way or the highway anymore. Your significant other shouldn't have to go along to get along—he or she deserves a voice, and you both need to allow the relationship to reshape you. If you haven't changed or grown at all since a long-term relationship started, I say this with all the love: You're squandering it. Not only is marriage designed by God to illustrate His love for us, but it is also a means by which He sanctifies us. And sometimes, He does that via your partner's influence.
Being open to influence isn't about peer pressure. If your girlfriend's trying to influence you by telling you it's "totally fine to share a bed! Nothing's gonna happen..." when she knows perfectly well you're saving sex for marriage, stand firm on your stance (and probably also run). The kind of influence you accept when your love is growing more serious is different. When you're dating (and also when you're married!), you have another person's preferences and needs to consider. In a healthy relationship, you accept influence when you actually consider them.
If you're planning a date and your girlfriend's a vegan, you're not picking your favorite Brazilian steakhouse, because you're allowing what she needs to influence you. If you know your boyfriend's got to be up at 4 a.m. on Mondays, you allow that to influence you when you decide not to drag him to a 10 p.m. movie on a Sunday night. With a mature love, we learn what the beloved needs—and we selflessly serve him or her by providing it.
Inconvenience, interruption, and influence won't ever always be easy.
But when you love somebody maturely, you'll know that even when it isn't easy, it's worthwhile—and if you know it's worthwhile, you just might be ready for marriage.
